On August 20th, I had a frozen embryo transfer, my first attempt trying to get pregnant through fertility treatments. We started our journey trying to conceive in January 2017, and soon discovered it would be nearly impossible to get pregnant without the help of fertility intervention. Shortly after, I started taking medication to decrease my prolactin levels. But it wasn’t long before we discovered one of my tubes was blocked and filled with toxic fluid (otherwise referred to as hydrosalpinx). So after many appointments, bloodwork and ultrasounds, HSGs, and two surgeries to correct the tube, we were finally given the go ahead to transfer our first embryo. You can read about the first few legs of our journey here, here and here.
These past two weeks have been a rollercoaster to say the least, but for anyone who’s experienced infertility, you know if far too well; that ride begins from the day of your first negative pregnancy test, when something deep down inside you tells you this isn’t going to be easy. My first week of the two week wait was not unbearable. I started back to work as a school based therapist for a new school year just two days after the transfer, so my mind was more than distracted those first few days. I was also amidst the last couple weeks of a few grad courses, so that helped as well. I thought about my little embaby every day, but the question of whether or not it had or would stick, was not all consuming. In fact, it barely crossed my mind. At this point, I was hopeful and positive with little doubt.
However, right around 5 days in, those thoughts were all consuming, and the doubt crept in. I found myself more emotional, sometimes for “no reason”, as I like to put it, but my husband was quick to remind me of the current state of our lives and the many millimeters of progesterone he’d been shooting in my ass for almost 4 weeks. Always keeping me laughing, that one. I found ways to distract myself and I truly think they helped my sanity. I’ll be sharing those soon! But it did not prevent those thoughts from entering my mind, and I’m not sure it is even possible to prevent them from creeping in at some point. It’s natural to cross examine the difficult things in our lives. In my opinion, to some extent, it’s a coping strategy, as long as we don’t get carried away with it.
For the women who are experiencing the 2ww, I want to share this to let you know you are not alone and you are not crazy!
And for anyone who hasn’t experienced it, I hope it gives you a little insight into the world of infertility and empathy for someone you know walking this journey.
Questions I’ve pondered during the ‘2 week wait’:
Why haven’t I felt anything? Am I pregnant?
Why isn’t my body changing? Am I pregnant?
My right boob is larger than my left and both are engorged. Does that mean I’m pregnant?
I’ve never eaten so much pineapple in my life, let alone 13 days. Does it actually help the embryo stick? Am I pregnant?
What’s all this talk about warm feet and a warm uterus? Do I need to keep them warm for the embryo to stick? Am I pregnant?
Why am I waking up every night between 2 and 5am to pee? Am I pregnant?
Why do I always feel dehydrated, despite drinking gallons of water and coconut water every day? Am I pregnant?
Are those cramps? What do they mean? Am I pregnant?
What is that occasional pain in my right hip joint? Am I pregnant?
Why am I tired all the time, and napping most afternoons? Am I pregnant?
Discharge (sorry, but it’s a fact)…does that mean I’m pregnant?
My lower back is sore. Am I pregnant?
My skin is breaking out, like it does right before my period. Does that mean I’m pregnant?
Why do I feel light headed every time I stand up? Am I pregnant?
Why are my injection sites itching? Am I pregnant?
What if I’m pregnant? Am I truly ready to be pregnant? Am I pregnant?
What if I’m pregnant, then I lose it after just a few weeks, a few months? How will I cope with the devastation? How will my friends and family treat me? Am I pregnant?
What if I’m pregnant? What is the first thing we’ll do to celebrate? Am I pregnant?
What if I’m pregnant? When do I tell everyone/anyone? Am I pregnant?
What if I’m not pregnant? How will I feel? Will it be debilitating? How long will we have to/want to wait before transferring a second? Am I pregnant?
What if I’m not pregnant? What will I tell people? How will I tell people? How will I return to my every day routine without crumbling? Am I pregnant?
And that is just a snippet…
If you’re currently in the two week wait (hang in there, girl!) or have experienced it in your past and had any other thoughts enter your mind, drop them in the comments below! I will add them to the post! 💜